I had noodles for dinner. It’s 2:57 AM. I am sitting in my living room, on the couch beside the plants, back facing the staircase. I’m sorry, it’s 3:00 AM now. I keep procrastinating the next sentence. I am eating spicy noodles while I suck on ice between bites. Spice is sprinkled on my tongues, burning into it. It's a little inconvenient, but it’s worth it. I do like the taste of these noodles. I am out of sour cream, or else I’d usually add some.
My phone still isn’t working. It turned off entirely now.. Which is not ideal. I need a new one. I will get a new one. No worries. Usually I’d toss and turn on my phone until I fell asleep, but I don't have much of a choice, save for my laptop constantly in my lap, and that makes it cramp a little.
I don’t really want to eat. I’m not interested. I mean, that's what I think before I impulsively take another bite. Yes, it’s good, but the texture bothers me. This is not how I usually make my food. Again, I add sour cream. I need to go back upstairs soon, to my pet.
No doubt he is either asleep or cleaning himself up, but he is still up there, and he has arthritis in his feet, despite being young. I need to make sure he doesn’t fall while he stands. It’s rare, but it still happens.. Plus, he’s been good about staying up.
Every time he falls, I abruptly wake up, sometimes even before he falls. By a couple seconds, but still. It’s like instinct. I am a deep sleeper too, so this isn’t usual for me.. I wouldn’t change it for the world, of course, but I think about it. I’m eating this as fast as I can.. Not because it’s like heaven on my tongue, no, but because I am no longer happy being downstairs.
Almost done. A couple more bites.
I finished. I need a minute.
A mix of M and 🍷,mostly 🍷
I haven't slept at all. It's seven in the morning
I told you to sleep.🍷
Sorry. I have school.
Do you want to go to the gym?🍷
Not really
You should. Why not?🍷
I don't know. I need to clean something.
Do it. 🍷
I can't move
Why not? Should I move for you?🍷
No. Sorry. I'll get up in a minute. I need to take my medication.
I just don't think you ever acknowledged me. 🍷
Me? Me? Me. I know. Sorry. I'm struggling to diffientriate
You spelt that wrong. Differentiate. Sorry. I guess we are both exhausted. It's almost summer. 17 weeks. That's not a lot, you can count down. I can count down for you. Let's set a reminder for every week. It'll be okay. Then you can take a break. Okay? You'll be okay. Why don't you want to speak? Can you hear me? Am I a passive thought to you? You're barely here. You're falling asleep. Don't fall asleep, you can't now. It's too late, honey. You're tired. I should've made you go to bed. Al.. 😒. You're thinking about this. About what I'm saying. You're a sweetheart. I can't find a hug emoji, I apologize. What are you gonna do? You don't want to go to school.
I think you've always been there. A rational part in my consciousness, the one that stops me from crying and asks why. “Why are you crying?”, “ why do you feel that way?”, I don't know how I didn't acknowledge you earlier. you're making it hard to think right now. sorry. I'm done now. I am tired. I can't deny that. go where? Where? I need help. I don't want to be here.
Shh. Don't shush me back. Shh. Shh. Why are you writing this in your blog? I know, nevermind. You want a log. That's the reason I kept responding. I apologize. Just relax. I'd tell you to go to bed. School is only three hours, alright? Don't worry a thing. Hey, your mom can pick you up early, can't she? You wanna go home? You'll miss some stuff. I'll catch you up. Stop closing your eyes. I'm sorry I'm making you twitch. It's okay, sweet thing. It tickles, right? I'll scratch your head. You're welcome. That's okay. Don't speak. There's some babble going on, right? Who's saying “Hey”? It's alright. That doesn't matter. They're just interrupting me.
You're here a lot.
Stop re-reading. I am here a lot. “Hey” again. That's annoying. But I am here a lot. I don't remember when I got here either. I only remember being conscious. I'm sure I was somewhere. You know I rub your arm sometimes. 🍷
I think so
It's a comfort thing. Who is saying “hey”?? Why are they yelling? Don't yell, Morris. Don't close your eyes. You can't fall asleep right now. What do you want for breakfast? Do you want those noodles? I will make them for you. It's cold, you should turn off your fan. I want to get up, okay? You have to let me get up for this. I'll get you dressed.🍷
I need a minute.. I need quiet. no more “hey”. they won't stop.
I know. 🍷