I put on a lip mask and laid down to watch something only to laugh immediately! I was trying not to let it fall off 😂😂
I'm not sure how close Jimmy and I are. Genuinely. I'm surely not his closest friend, I don't usually feel insecure about things. This is so weird. I'm disliking it. I didn't mean to go so quiet. I need a good minute. He's my only friend. Not really, I mean, one I consider close. Oh, gosh. This is stressful. People are so stressful.
I'm very upset. I miss my daughter so much. I'm crying.
I don't like Jimmy. Okay, I like him. In a platonic way. I'm not used to having people actually like me, I don't know how to joke around?? The power of friendship might not work today.
I miss my daughter.
I miss you, Ichi. I miss you so much. I'm sorry I failed. I wanted to protect you. I didn't know how to love you, and I'm sorry. You will always be my little girl, and if you ever come back, you can call me 'daddy' all you'd like. I'll be your daddy, I'm so sorry. You deserve better. I miss you to bits. I want you to come back, come home to me. I'm your family, Ichi. My little Ichigo. My little girl. I tried my best, I promise. I wish I had done better, I was right there when life left your eyes. You'll always be my pretty girl. I wish I could've seen you enter school, or seen your first slumber party, or taught you to drive. I don't care, the bad and good. I miss you. All of you. I'd say I missed your tantrums, but you never threw any. You knew I was stressed, and it wasn't your job. I'm so sorry, I wish I would've tucked you in more, read you more bedtime stories, or held you more. I wish we could’ve found "our thing", like ice cream or a show or.. Something. I love you.
Don't read this if you're scared of how I feel. 😶. I'm ranting. I feel unloved and uncared for. I mean, I am, I know it to an extent.. But I just can't talk to anybody. I'm a burden. Even if it's Jimmy, I fear. I don't want to worry or bother him. He has a job to do, and so do I. I feel like I shouldn't be upset. I've been feeling suicidal recently. I miss my daughter. I've cried so much, and so hard. I cry so hard into the pillow at night. I'd like to talk to somebody but when I try, I feel like.. It doesn't matter. I can't think of anybody. I think of Jimmy, admittedly, but I just.. Can't. I can't bring myself to open up emotionally like that because I feel like I won't be safe. I used to think of this as a blessing, needing nobody else.. But I do. I need someone. But I have nobody. I just wish someone, anyone would ask how I'm doing, even if I lie when I answer them. I wish someone would pet my hair or let me cry on them, but I just.. Can't. I'm so lonely. I feel so alone. I wish I could fall asleep on somebody and feel safe, like I don't have to be the adult for once. Like I can get some comfort I never received. I thought just being here for people would fulfill me, that my problems would magically fade but they haven't. Nothing. There's nothing. Is anybody even looking for me? I'm begging for help. I'm begging for something, or someone. I'm begging to be cared for. Am I selfish for asking for more? I feel selfish. I am selfish. I can't bottle this all up, but there's no other choice I have. So.. For now, maybe I should just get used to being there instead. I feel like I'll be a burden otherwise. I don't want to add onto stress. I'm gonna have to be okay with sitting on the sidelines. I have to take care of.. Us. I can't help it, I feel like I'll snap. And there is nobody to blame but me. I don't even feel real. This song makes me sad.
02/25/25
I used to do Aerial. Mostly because it was beautiful and made me feel good. I worked at a circus with Kael where people all alike would watch me perform and I felt on top of the world. Trust me, I was bitchier than ever, but I felt.. Good. I felt real good. And it got me through college. I didn't go around shirtless, I had these fancy, bedazzled costumes. In general, I liked to dance. Ballet. I practiced some. I don't quite do it anymore, but I'm flexible now. I really did run away with the circus. It felt real to me, even if it wasn't.. Unfortunately. It made me who I am, I guess. My self confidence was high at the time. I think the sport is beautiful, or whatever you consider it. Honestly? I miss it a little. It was gratifying and I felt sexy. Even if it was a female dominated sport which makes me sound extremely gay, but.. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
I'm only really happy if I'm hanging out with Jimmy.. He distracts me. that's not the only reason I like him.. he's kind. He's very sweet, if you take your time with him. He actually just DMed me.